Interested?

Russell Brand posed a question to humanity that I believe may be able to solve many problems: hunger, epidemics, poverty, legislative judges being appointed to the Supreme Court, Apocalypses, recessions, genocide, et cetera. He asks: How long do you have to pretend to be interested after you find out that the person you’re talking to has a boy/girlfriend.
Eleven seconds.
I agree. Eleven seconds doesn’t have you waste your time acting like you care when really you either (a) want to move on down the line to the next person you could get with or (b) want to get a snack.
At the same time, you don’t turn directly away as to show that you have become so appalled at the fact that they’re getting down and deep with someone else that you can’t bear to look at them, let alone speak with them for another moment.
Three seconds is just way to short… they might catch on. Ten seconds is long enough to play a game of rock-paper-scissors and thus to distract them as to your true motives for walking away and letting them sip a drink in their novel solitude.
Have you ever had this scenario: you’re at a party, you’re chatting up some cutie, probably a blonde or something, and they mention something along the lines of “Haha (or another form of onomatopoetic laughter), yeah my boyfriend/girlfriend is into that too!”
… and you all of a sudden JUST ran out of things to say.
True story, happens to all of us.
What do you do?
Well you have 11 seconds to make that decision. Now, these next few seconds are the crunch… oh yeah, its game time.
Within the next 11 seconds you need to do two things so quickly that you’re neurons may actually singe themselves together like magic shell after all the ice cream melts.
You need to get them to mention the significant other again, but not immediately, you must allow for a 3 second delay.
Trust me on this. If they mention them again and they’ve demoted the person who was previously the “love of their life” to the status of “my friend” then you needent give up the chase just yet.
This is because they’ve noticed your reaction where right after they mentioned their significant other you immediately checked out the three people who are WAY more interesting now that are standing right behind him/her, and now they’re playing catch up because they actually are interested in you.
You need to have an IMMEDIATE assessment of morals. Are you, an upright, moral, model citizen who would never compromise your morals and try to get with someone who has already been spoken for, be it through mutual understanding and compromise or betrothal?
Now you may not want to try your luck with this. The deadline of 11 seconds is usually pretty quick. The male brain actually can’t figure out anything in under 13.2 seconds, so if someone with a penis pulls this off, its instinct not conscious functioning.
Also, females are of much higher moral standing on average and few will prey on another woman’s man. However, you will from time to time find that girl. You know of whom I speak, the girl who is only at this social gathering because its been 3 months since her last encounter with someone, and 3 months and 1 week since she last broke up with her boyfriend.
Starting to see how the timing of this event gets harder and harder to work out?
Now, another detail: everyone should go and look at the “Can I Have Your Number” video. This is because if they have a boyfriend, and he here, and he hefty, and he comin’ back, you may want to consider steppin’ up out dat situation… yo.
Now, at the same time, some people are worth it. Sometimes there is someone who for previous relationship reasons, be it because of their status relationship-wise, socially, politically, or whatever, they’re off limits.
Forbidden Fruit is oftentimes the best (beware side effects may include pain during pregnancy, realization of nudity, shin splints, hallucinations of talking snakes, knowledge of good and evil, nausea, headaches, and pissing off God).
At the same time, you have to go with your gut, and if your gut says “take a chance on the hot one that you can’t have” listen to it. It will work out somehow if the signals are saying go.
Not to mention, your gut works faster than your head. Trust me, if you get kicked in the gut you scream immediately, if you get kicked in the head you just fall down.

Spoon me

So, sometimes you just need to spice it up a little bit in the sack. Literally… like Emeril- BAM! Haha, oh puns!

Now, to some the idea of incorporating food into sex might be a little bit weird. Your mind might wander to one of two places: Martha Stewart in prison OR great tasting orgasms.

I’ll let you guess which one I like best.

Now, Martha was on TV the other day making a mean casserole. First, she took some celery… I’m kidding. Had you worried though, didn’t I?

But back to the good stuff.

Traditionally there are a few foods that are almost staples on the bedroom menu, chocolate and whipped cream being the two big ones.

Chocolate is a natural aphrodisiac. For those less fortunate an aphrodisiac is a substance that basically makes you horny, like wine, certain spices (e.g. cocoa!) and Viagra. Also, Chocolate the movie starred Jonny Depp, who researchers have found is also a natural aphrodisiac. True story.

Using a substance that tastes great and makes you horny is always a good idea; think about it: double whammy. Pun intended.

Moving on to the other topping of sexual sundaes, whipped cream can also be a great idea. Its light, its sexy when put on to cover up your partners fun partners, and its a lot of fun to eat off of their… unmentionables.

The trick with these two is that chocolate is sticky, which may or may not be a bad thing, and that whipped cream slides off your body when you start generating body heat. I can get over the sticky part. But if your body isn’t generating heat during sex, you’re not doing it right. Now, there are candies, like lollipops, always a little fun but also sticky.

Mike & Ikes aren’t really that interesting unless you like Mike & Ikes of course.

Fun dip is not only fun to put on your partner, its more fun to get off your partner, and it’s the third bad double-whammy pun that I’ve managed to slip into this post.

Also, sometimes a girl might not be OK with you sticking certain things where they don’t belong. I imagine that your imagination can come up with an inappropriate thing to do with a lollipop. You have to keep in mind, yes, she’ll taste like cherry, but do you really want that part of her body to be sticky?

Friction is key, slippery friction, not sticky friction.

Now, my favorite part of writing these things, the part where I get to share personal anecdotes, I call this story: The one with the PopRocks.

Now, along with stupid songs and awesome chocolate waterfalls –Woah, imagine for a quick second sex under a chocolate waterfall. Ok back to the point– Willy Wonka also gave us a candy that, when it gets wet, makes a tingling popping sensation.

Now, I had a whole box of these for my own, personal, individual enjoyment. However, on a particular night an acquaintance of mine saw them and decided it would be a great idea to make out while eating PopRocks.

Now, we made out, and it was fun, very exiting (as a rule of thumb, novel positive experiences in the sack are usually exciting, so keep it fresh). Then we decided that it would also be a great idea to go down on each other using the PopRocks.

It worked.

Lets just say that although she went down… I was up, ready, and at attention, and that soldier fired his gun. I believe a similar experience could be said to have worked for her. I discovered that basically they work like carbonation; you feel little bubbles popping all over.

The question thus remains: Soda sex?

So, I leave you with that little tidbit of information and the knowledge that kitchen sex is better when you can bang all up on that table… we’ve all thought about it.

Random places? Back Seat Windows Up, Thats The Way I like to …

As Juno noted, people can be “great… in chair.” People can also be great in bed, but lets be honest, if sex is your life, from time to time you need a vacation, and you don’t want a “staycation”! We’re in a recession, but sex is free… unless you’re creepy, or gross, or fat, or really enjoy phone sex with overweight smoking trailer-park-moms.

From time to time, leave the house. Who remembers the days when you were young and had sex in the back of the car because you didn’t have any other place to go? When was the last time that you worried about having the cops come out and catch you, or the neighbors?

It wasn’t that bad, the guy could get some leverage with his hand against the window and his leg cornered on that weird and useless hump in the middle of the back seat.

What about the beach? Sex on the beach is not just a good drink, it’s a good night.

Watch out for the sand though, you don’t want to kick up too much grainy goodness into certain nether-regions; never good.

Also, Siberia? Not bad (those of you who know what I’m talking about…you know).

Or possibly, bent over the front table in the foyer while everyone in the house is asleep. Let’s be honest, if you’re relocating for some sexual fun, why wait till after she’s done putting on her shoes, I mean if there’s a skirt, there’s a way. And everyone knows that a man’s will is directly proportional to his woman’s skirt.

What about in the library? You get all nervous when one of you makes some animal growl or barks just a little too loud in the stacks. Or someone moans just a little too loud in the periodicals.

Then you get to do that deer in the headlights stop when you think you hear someone coming, yeah because you didn’t just put on your guilty face.

The woods. Take a hike. Some girls are a little too prissy. I, however, have never come across a guy who wasn’t willing to get down and dirty in Mother Nature. There’s something primal about having screaming orgasms that you can hear echo.

Screw Jack London, THAT’S the call of the wild.

If you’re going to do it in a small space, say a bathroom on a plane, train, or bus for instance, then you want to be with someone who’s pretty strong. You can’t just be moving around. They need to pick you up and relocate your sexy self on another surface if you’re going to move… so keep fit.

Also, bathrooms, not always the best place, they’re pretty gross all in all. Some bars have people puking all in them then someone goes and bangs? Gross. You’re Breathalyzer reading at the end of the night shouldn’t come up 0.0herpies.

But if you need it, you need it. Once again, be with a partner who can pick you up. This way they can pin you high enough on the wall that you can do the dirty deed and now worry about whose coke residue you’re sitting on.

Now for the inevitable, if I were to leave it out, someone would get pissed: The Movie Theatre.

For some reason, the whole dark room, romantic movie, buttery popcorn and 72 oz. Slushy just makes you want to screw while about 200 of your closest strangers are sitting right there.

When you were 13 you were making out and then going and reading reviews so you could tell your parents how the movie was and the only reason you knew of plot related event was because you had to move the armrest at some point.

Then when you’re 23, you want to go all the way. Scoring one in the back row of a movie theatre is a little dangerous.

Think about it. Remember Pee Wee Herman? Yeah, remember his career besides that one appearance in “Blow”? Exactly. He did jail time for wheeling around his wanking willy in a public movie theatre, and that was a XXX movie theatre so there was stains all over that blue couch. (I apologize in advance for ruining anyone’s childhood)

Imagine if he had done that during a regular movie like Fight Club… or Mean Girls? … Then he has a-whole-freaking-nother set of problems.

All I’m saying is if you go for it, make sure it’s a darker scene, you’re in the very back row and its at a Tyler Perry Movie during its 5^th week on a Tuesday night: you’ll have some alone time.  True Story.

You Can’t Call Collect in Monopoly

Booty call- (1) N. a friend or acquaintance that you are comfortable calling (or texting) on a regular basis to hook up with see hook up buddy; (2). V. The act of dialing a friend or acquaintance that you are comfortable calling (or texting) on a regular basis to hook up with; (3) V. A dance: not to be done in public see also Cha Cha Slide.

This person is your reason for doing the walk of shame. Maybe you have more than one. Possibly you have a booty call harem.

How do you know if they’re a booty call?

Do they have their own ringtone even though you don’t ever actually talk to them? Is their ringtone “Dirty Little Secret”? Maybe “Scotty Doesn’t Know”? Possibly its “Mambo #5” if that’s how you play the game.

Every one plays a bit differently. That’s the interesting thing. What are the rules? Every one for themselves… until Friday after the party and then you pair up; because ultimately, the booty call is just back up.

If you go to a party and don’t leave with someone, you call the booty call.

If they don’t pick up: they went home with someone else.

However, the rule is that it’s ok to go home with someone else, that’s the difference between the booty call and the “significant other”. The significant other is the number one all the time. The booty call is the significant other for a few hours a week.

You can even have more than one booty call, lets be honest though, everyone has a favorite. Some people get slightly annoyed with those who have sex with many people, usually because they aren’t having sex with anyone.

All I can say is that age-old phrase: don’t hate the player; hate that god damn small piece that will inevitably choke a small child and end up with a lawsuit.

On the other hand, some people don’t have a booty call. We call them frustrated.

You can usually call them out. They sit in class, look angry, and they ask questions that nobody cares about in lecture halls of 200+ students. They also are the ones that are so desperate that they’ll drag home the first drunken frat boy who calls them beautiful to the back of their head.

The booty call is like medicine too.

Rough day? Get some.

Cold outside? Get some.

Common cold? Share the wealth.

Just plain tired and don’t want to masturbate? Get someone else to do it.

America is about outsourcing people, so please, do unto others as you want to be pleased… or done unto you or whatever Jesus said that one time.

Some people don’t have hot booty calls. This is because hot people get booty called all the time, and if you call your booty to come over too much, the booty call becomes, simply, your boo. (I can’t believe I just wrote boo, that’s unacceptable).

Lets be honest, if you can rig the game of monopoly so that you could land on go every time, we would. So the good game pieces get taken and tied down. Therefore most of the guys that are out there are more Baltic Ave. Every once and a while you might find a Marvin’s Gardens here and there, however most end up being “go to jail” spaces in the end.

But the relationship… too many times around that board and you’re married. If you go from being a Boardwalk to a Connecticut Avenue, you’ll probably end up with half your stuff.

What the hell am I talking about? Be free parking. No, not a slut. Have good perks, be a good place to stop, and always have a top hat and a monocle: chicks dig it.

Animal Noises… This Has Nothing To Do With Furries

Sex noises. That’s all I have to say.

Everybody makes them, or should. I only know of one person who has silent sex, like completely silent, and its weird.

I couldn’t imagine having sex with a mime, and I don’t want to, the face paint starts running they can’t tell you what they really want, their fantasy is to do it in an invisible box: its just no good.

Personally, I (apparently) make noises when I bang. Most of the people I’ve been with have too. I have had a consort in the past who made noises like she was trying to speak but she couldn’t get all of the sound out at once. Not bad.

I’ve been with a girl who makes breathing noises that are cute as hell.

I’ve been with a girl who made noise like a tiger; it was grrreeeEEEAAAT!

Then I’ve also been with a guy who loved talking the entire time, no noises, just talking. Communication was key, but I’m not going to lie, I wanted something a bit more primal. He was a writer, go figure, maybe he just liked to hear himself talk… he could have just masturbated.

Moving along, I was watching a porn once where there was a Japanese woman. Now, I don’t really have an Asian fetish (the Asian persuasion if you will), but I do find them extremely attractive (Lucy Lu for instance, is a goddess).

… She squealed like a chew toy being destroyed by a rabid pit bull. It wasn’t rough, the guy wasn’t big, it was your average porn; nothing too kinky, except apparently there was a Pets-R-Us mishap in the previous scene that I didn’t see (thus the downfall of free porn).

For me there is nothing better than sex that is so good that you could get off later by taping the audio track. There’s something about moaning and talking dirty that allows me to cut diamonds.

I also like letting the neighbors know that my life is more interesting than theirs.

Now, you truly know someone’s personality by the noises they make when they JUST finished an orgasm.

Some people, breath deep, some people just lay there and say “oh my god”, some people make noises like a growling creature (I have asthma, this is me), some people open their eyes real big and say “OOPS, sorry”. That last one’s unfortunate.

Anyways I was having sex the other day, and it was good; so good the neighbors lit up a cigarette. I collapsed on top of her, kissing her neck, (my favorite thing to do after sex, guys try it girls usually love it). And I realized that I do make a growl after sex. I don’t know if that’s my “primal nature” calling or my body telling me that I need my inhaler, but it happens.

Being loud can also be fun. Not so loud that its like someone’s dying. I don’t like wondering if The Sexorcist is a good movie title, but lets be honest, if its good, there is no reason to hold it back: go wild!

Sexiest People – Women’s Edition

10.

 

Kat Von D. Successful business owner and star of at least two shows.  She’s hot.  Why? Because she’s badass.  She has meat on her, and its beautiful.  Screw these little model girls, who wants a girl who looks like a 12-year-old alien child? No I want a girl who can get rough in the sack.  She could kick my ass, and I like it. Kat, you can paint my body with whatever you want.

 

9.

Is she a lesbian? I don’t know, part of me hopes so as long as there is a sex tape released later. Part of me wants her for myself… and anyone who would like to join us.  Lets be honest, the blonde coke-addict skinny girl, not working for her.  We already have two Olsen twins, we don’t need another one.  We do need a hot (preferably redheaded) almost perfectly toned girl who you wish could have been your date on Friday night.  Keep it real Lindsay, we like it better that way.

8.

Alexis Bledel optimizes cute. She was on Gilmore Girls, the quickest show since Fraiser until the 5^th season.  Honestly, I had the biggest crush on her in high school, I had her as the book cover on my history textbook.  Lets be honest, a hot chick with wit, always one that’s awesome, and she’s the kinda girl you can bring home to mom.

7.

Wow.  That’s all I can say about Lucy Lu and this picture.  She chopped a dude’s head off in Kill Bill, she’s nuts.  She’s also drop dead beautiful.  Seriously, try and stop staring into those eyes… or at that one boob that’s kinda falling all out.

6.

This is a double picture.  Number 5 is both Pink (because she’s hot) and the entire collection of suicide girls.  They are hot because they’re real.  No airbrush, no fake boobs, no absurdly skinny girls.  Seriously, they might actually be the girls next door.  Who doesn’t fantasize about that?  Really though, check them out.

5.

Ok, Tyra is the hot dark rich woman that you would love to have as your sugar momma, except unlike Oprah, you’d brag about getting with her.  Tyra has multiple shows, multiple millions, and multiple reasons why she is the hottest model ever.  The least of which, being that she is beautiful.  Look at those eyes! … and those- oh Marilyn!

4.

So allegedly this picture of Marilyn was taken in the basement of the Playboy Mansion.  I like a girl with tone, a girl with muscle, and a girl who’s not afraid to let people know that she’s sexy from the moment she wakes up with bed head to the moment she goes to sleep.  Not to mention there is something sexy about a girl in jeans.

3.

I can’t look at this picture without wanting to go somewhere more private.  She’s naked.  Well no, she’s wearing sexy boots and a Paul Reed Smith guitar worth more than most people’s cars.  I want to play that so bad.  I could work on everything from my finger dexterity to my scream… but until further notice, I’ll be working on my solos.

2.

Do ya’ll remember Anna Kournikova? This isn’t her.  Anna was never really talented but she was great for ratings: much like Miley Cyrus.  This is Maria Sharapova. Oh my god, she is sexy.  Not only is she a goddess to be worshiped, she beat the Williams sisters at Wimbledon.  Wait, so she is the sexiest AND the most talented athlete on the list! 

1.

I don’t know who these girls are.  I don’t care.  They clearly aren’t interested in my type, probably because of the whole penis thing.  Either way, these girls don’t need me, they don’t need anyone. Regardless, they are probably thankful of the millions of guys who have plastered this picture perfect picture of perfection all over every bachelor pad, apartment, and dorm room (not to mention high school locker) the world over.  So they get number one… what if Johnny Depp was the meat in this sandwich? And you could be the lettuce?

THE BLASTOFF!

 Every countdown ends with a blastoff… Bear Grylls is that  climax.  If he were the last man on earth… I wouldn’t be  surprised.  He can survive a nuclear holocaust without duct  tape.  Even I can’t do that.  Not to mention, look at him, he’s  a Greek god incarnate.  Not to mention, if you had to choose  one person to be on a deserted island with, he would be the  one.  First off, everyone would like to have leverage to bang  this guy; a great “last man on earth” situation. also, you still  get off the island! How much better would it have been if  castaway had a hot sex scene? Not with Tom Hanks… or  Wilson.  This guy will bang you on the French Alps, with  string, a backpack, and the remnants of his parachute.  If  you don’t watch Man Vs Wild, start.

Happy Valentines Day

I hope everyone is having a happy Valentines Day. I personally think the whole day is all rather stupid.

First off: in grade school we used to have to make valentines for everyone, and everyone got one, even the ugly kid where we just signed and closed his with a regular ol’ sticker. Then there was that little red-head girl that sat in front of you in class that you gave that “special” valentine to.

You know, the one with the blue Power Ranger doing a roundhouse to save Zordon.

Or, it was the one that you put one of those aluminum-frosted chocolates in from the Rite-Aid that you got for 10 Lbs for a dollar.

Thinking about it, Valentines hasn’t changed now that we’re older.

Instead of valentines with Power Rangers, or Pokemon, its two deer drinking from a stream, or a road with a picket fence.

And instead of chocolates or hearts that say, “fax me” (yeah, sure; because I’ve sent a “booty fax”) we give Ferrero Rocher Chocolates rapped in gold, to help justify why they’re so bloody expensive.

On the other hand, Valentines day has come a long way from its predecessor, Lupercalia. A roman holiday celebrating a bitch (a she-wolf, its applicable, be not offended ye of lower intelligences), it was a day of great joy, when Roman women would offer up their hands to be whipped so that they could become fertile.

I think this may have been the origination of S&M.

The festival also originated one of Valentines most beloved traditions: the animal sacrifice.

This sacrifice was no BBQ. Of course not, it was the flaying and sacrifice of two Goats and Dogs. After which, they anointed two dudes dressed up only in goatskins with the blood and then wiped off the knife and “were expected to smile and laugh” (Check it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lupercalia).

Now two things:

First, I bet this gets a girl randy quicker than watching reruns of 21 Jump Street while showering with a detachable showerhead.

Second, DOUBLE-U. T. F. That is some weird stuff.

So guys and gals, next time you receive a cute little folded picture of a care bear with a heart on it. Just think about what it could be like if times only changed through media control… (fade off to dream sequence ala Wayne’s World).

Johnny Depp and Jude Law are naked wrapped in blood stained Goat Skins. Someone is dragging off the bodies of Air Bud, Lassie, Mr. Tumnus, and Bill the Goat (mascot of the US Navy).

Then they turn around wipe off the knife and start laughing hilariously. As they start serving the meat to the masses you hear the dull murmor of a song. It gets louder… louder still. PEOPLE ARE SHOUTING:

Five.

Five dollar.

Five dollar foot-longs.

Five… Five dollar… five dollar foot-longs.

Happy Valentines Day.

Sexiest People – Men’s Edition

10.

Ok, most of you have no idea who this is.  Michael Shanks plays Dr. Daniel Jackson in Stargate SG-1. He’s smart, and smart is sexy.  He’s not “hey I’m intelligent smart”, its more like, “I’m fluent in 20 languages and have saved the world multiple times with my intelligence, oh yeah, did I mention I’m really sexy and have ascended to higher planes of existence?”  I think he ascended via Kama Sutra.

9.

Antonio Banderas.  Enough said.  He has his own fragrances nowadays; although I don’t have the money to buy it, if it makes me smell like this guy then you can’t put a price on it.  This picture is from his Desparado/Once Upon a Time in Mexico days. Johnny Depps in these movies with him, and he sleeps with Selma Hayack.  Horny enough yet?

8.

Boondock Saints is an amazing movie.  These guys not only get on the list through their rippling bodies, and epically memorable hand tattoos, but through their badassery.  Yes, badassery.  These guys  use vigilante justice to kill bad people.  They don’t just shank ‘em, they shoot them in the back of the head so that the bullets cross in your brain and come out your eyes.  Then they put coins on your eyes so you can cross the river Styx: now that’s awfully thoughtful.  That, and honestly, who doesn’t like Irish accents?

7.

Kurt Cobain: now some of you might be thinking, “who is this grungy guy with the guitar?” The lead singer of Nirvana.  He’s not sexy because of his body necessarily.  He was a no bull, I don’t want to be famous kinda guy, his life was cut short, and lets be honest there’s something to that angsty thing that is a little attractive, but the fact that he was confident to the point that he could say “no, I don’t want to be famous” that’s sexy.  Who doesn’t want a guy who will get sweaty on stage, get you all riled up and take you home? Not to mention… you can pull his hair.

6.

I don’t even know what to say.  Have you seen any of his movies? Even his kids movies should be rated X; not because of him but because of the stuff people want to do in the theatre while watching him.  We’ve all been there, don’t lie.

5.

So Tupac: yes, he’s gangsta, he’s ripped, he’s hot, he may or may not still be alive on and island in the Bermuda Triangle with Amelia Erhart and Elvis… or in that nursing home from Bubba Ho-Tep.  He grew up on the streets, as hard as his body: Baltimore, MD actually.  Not only was he supposed to play Bubba in Forest Gump, but he has also replaced St. Peter as Jesus’ body guard.

4.

The original Gangster. Every male sex icon has tried to emulate him.  Besides being beautiful (and bi) his life mantra is “Dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die today”.

3.

Ok you looked at this picture, drooled, then agreed, however you might be mad that its only number 3.  Trust me, the other two aren’t bad.  Lets be honest, men, as hot as this, sweating and fighting.  Wow.  There’s something about aggression that is a bit of a turn on.  Or it might just be the secrecy, he doesn’t kiss and tell, it’s the first two rules of hooking up with Brad Pitt.  Rule number 3: you must adopt half of Cambodia.

2.

Whatever, you wish you were Julia Styles right now.  This guy is fun, I mean honestly, look at the paint in their hair! Anyways, the longish 90’s sex god hair, the black undershirt, the singing in front of everyone in the school honestly, who wouldn’t want him.  Also, like James dean, he wants Jake Gyllenhall’s hindquarters… but who doesn’t?

1.

I almost feel as if I shouldn’t say anything about this picture.  I’m not going to tell you who this is because if you don’t know… well there is no punishment, I just hope that you’re not that stupid.  Honestly, this is the hottest specimen of humanity to ever walk the earth, and he plays the piano.  Who doesn’t want to be serenaded before they get laid by this guy? I bet he’s playing Your Song, the Moulin Rouge version.

One For Those Awkward Moments

Sex is, although beautiful, risky. I don’t want to be a buzz kill and talk about STDs, so I won’t. But have you ever encountered an awkward sexual situation? Think about it, you’re naked, your there with someone that (hopefully) you know, but still.
From time to time, something happens. And its awkward, how do you handle it? Well luckily I’ve come across some weird situations and I have no shame, so I’ll share.

Once upon a time, I was at a party, I met a fine young lady, her and I were planning on going back and having fun. However, it would have been slightly inappropriate to have had said fun at that party.

Instead we decided that we would just go at it in the back of my car (don’t worry it’s a large one… the car, that is).

So we park, in the parking lot… of a church. So we are in the act its going well, there is plenty of movement and the car is a-rockin’. I notice, as we are in the act, that there are lights moving around the car.

My first thought, the car bangers worst nightmare: the po-po, the 5-0, the police. However, it wasn’t the lights that were moving, it was my car.

I’m freaking out. I’m not wearing pants, actually I’m not wearing anything, I’m not exactlay fit to be McGyver right now. I think, ok how can I stop this car?
My hands!

I jump across my car and push the brake pedal. The car stops… thank god.
This situation couldn’t have been more embarrassing.

I’m not done.

I see lights moving again.

But I’ve stopped the car, what the hell is moving?

The car approaching mine, that’s what. So I notice a car pull into the parking lot. They come up to the edge of my car and turn on a floodlight.

Now, anyone who has ever had a run in with the long arm of the law will know that only cop cars have floodlights on the side.

I think great, he can see everything: One leg of hers is over the back seat, another leg of hers is over the passenger seat headrest, her arms are up, my ass is straight up in the air, and this guy can see the whole situation.

What will my cover story be?

You can’t lie yourself out of this one Pinocchio, and ain’t nothing gonna grow if you try.

I decide to tell the truth.

I see the flood light switch off, and the car start to back up.

I’m confused to say the least. I thought I was about to have to explain what I was doing at that situation to a police officer, whom I may or may not know outside of the context of his employment.

They drive away. Crisis averted.

Now I know what you’re all thinking. Some sick little part of the back of your head is wondering “well, did they finish?”

Yes, yes we did.

Some like it rough

So, people enjoy sex, we know this. If you don’t enjoy sex you wouldn’t be reading this right now except on the slim chance that you are a catholic looking for someone to excommunicate (bring it on!).

Many people enjoy rough sex. They like pleasure spiked with pain and oftentimes music is their areoplane. Also, as a related aside, Red Hot Chili Peppers: not bad music to get down and dirty to.

Seriously though, many people know that when the body is exercising, or experiencing pain, your body naturally releases endorphins (our bodies natural painkillers).

Now, sex is a form of exercise, or at least it should be; therefore your body will be releasing endorphins. This means many things: One, you’re burning calories and don’t have to go to the gym that day. It also means that your pain tolerance is naturally higher.

So, for example, if your partner is digging their fingernails into your back, or pulling your hair as you’re pinned against the wall: you still feel pleasure.

To face the facts, sex is one of our most animalistic acts. Aggression is one of our most animalistic emotions. And sex can be aggressive.

However, sex should not be abusive.

How do you know when you’ve crossed the line? The moment one person says stop, you stop.

I’m just going to type this again. The moment one person says stop, you stop.

This is for rough sex, makin’ love, or no sex… you stop.

Ok, now back to the fun stuff. I personally like pain. I’m more of a dominant person in bed, both with men and women. I’m a biter and a scratcher. I’ll leave marks like the vampiristic version of Edward Scissorhands if you’ll let me.

But how do you bring it up? Well, sometimes you know ahead of time. Flirting is a great time to bring this up. You find out ahead of time in a context that doesn’t involve any potential awkward situations, except silence.

The other option- Easing it in (I would say get your mind out of the gutter but if it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless, and if yours weren’t there I would have zero readers).

Anyways, during the heat of the moment, sometimes people get carried away (story about that later). Give a little nibble if you’re a biter, or a little scratch if you’re a scratcher. This may add a new sensation they’ve never experienced.

If they like it, they’ll probably let you know. Focus on their breathing, their body language, or that odd primal growl that makes you think of tigers. 

This is where experience is helpful. If you know the person, then you’ll know if they are enjoying it. If you don’t know them that well, then its more complicated.

You first have to add up all of your past partners, take the total sum of their reactions to new sexual experiences, divide that by the total number of positive expressed body language, then compare that data using the same equation of negative expressed body language.

Now if you’re a dork, you know that that is called mathematical averaging. And if you knew what I was talking about and have a number in your head where you’ve calculated the answer, you’re a dork and don’t get laid enough… get your hands were we all can see them poindexter.

Feel it out, most people know when their partner is liking something, even if it’s a bit more than usual. Take, as evidence, anecdote A:

One time I was with someone, they were on the bottom, and I was on the top. They were someone who I knew from time to time to be rough in the bed, or chair, or standing up in the room, back seat windows up in the garden, down in the dirt…

They liked to get physical and liked to toss and be tossed… the golden rule: do unto others as you would like to be did. Its in the bible somewhere, or maybe I haven’t written that part yet.

Anyways, we did our thing and had our fun. Later on, I went to get in the shower. When I went to take off my pants, I noticed that it hurt a little on my leg. I didn’t know why. Then it dawned on me: she was scratching the back of my leg, as well as my back while I was deep in the midst of… well, her actually.

However, given that the endorphins were running, I didn’t notice the fact that she had actually scratched my leg open. I was quite impressed and rather proud of it actually; I wear my war wound like a crown!

She scratched my leg so badly that it drew blood, and I had to keep my wallet in a different pocket. In any other context, I would have been pissed, but given the fact that her lips were touching mine, I will forgive her and hope I need another band aid soon.